The Uncomfortable Truth Many Singles Don't Want To Hear




Ok Cupid says I have over 700 likes. Yet, none seem to have a paid membership where they can send me a message. They do send me profiles of people that aren't of any interest to me. For example : guys, bi-sexual women, women open to hookups, women living in other states,etc.. Do they really think I'm going to opt for a paid membership. Ok Cupid has really gone down hill fast since Match was allowed to purchase it. When the 3 young men owned it, I met women. Talked to women. Went out on dates. All for free. Match is the worst thing to ever happen to on line dating. Greed and trickery should be their slogan.

Let's first address the obvious: OKCupid is a business. People start businesses to make money. Their original business model of letting everyone use the site and message whomever they choose for free was a bad one. Not only did it mean they made less money but it also allowed anybody with an internet connection to create a profile. That means there was little quality control, even less than there is now. I do agree that OKCupid has a convoluted matching and messaging process, but it's far less labor intensive if you pay for your membership. Because, duh. Once you're able to see who liked your profile, you can like them back and message each other like oldy time days. That's not a scam, that's a business decision. They're allowed to want users to pay to use their platform. They're allowed to want to make money.


People need to understand that business like OKCupid or Meetup as well as this one one don't exist to provide them with a free social life. There are costs involved with organizing and executing these events, even the free happy hour get togethers you see posted everywhere. People who think everything should be free or who don't want to pay $20 or even $10 for something are the bane of our existence. It takes close to a $1,000 a month simply to maintain this website - there's the texting platform we use to send reminders, our newsletter platform, Meetup Fees, hosting fees, ticket processing, and various utilities we use to keep things running. The video speeddating isn't held on Zoom, it's a private platform we pay a per event fee to use. (And not a small fee, either. Think close to 25% of sales.) While it might look like the events you attend or the sites and dating apps you use don't have much overhead, they do. Even if the costs involved were low, people should be paid for their work, even if you don't consider that work essential.

You should be paying for your dating app memberships because - trust me - you want the bells and whistles. No, not the stupid Super Likes that Tinder offers, as they don't work. Like, at all. Super Likes scream, "I can't get a match to save my life!" Forget them and forget the boosts and all that other jazz. Useless, all of it.. The one and only extra that matters is being able to see who liked, viewed or swiped on your profile. That's it. And, yes, I know that many of you will say that the people who swipe on you or like your profile aren't your type or that you'd never find them interesting. It's great that you email people and get responses, but unless you're able to convert those responses into offline dates - and few can - your method doesn't work.

Real talk: those people insisting they prefer to have total control of the experience and message whomever they like, whenever they like are also the same people that complain about how the sites are full of people just looking to hook-up or get attention. They're the same people habitually being blown off, ghosted or stood-up. They're the same people who trite essays about how online dating doesn't work for them or announce every other month they're quitting online dating.

I need to be really, really clear about something: if you're looking for a relationship - a real one, not some casual thing where you get together a couple times a month for drinks and sex (not that there's anything wrong with that!), then that person is in your Viewed/Liked/Swiped On list. Why? Because if they're initiating it means they're not being inundated with options. It means they're available. It means they actually want to meet and not just text for days on end or have phone sex. (If that's still a thing.)


They are - wait for it - you.


Think about it: if you deem those that show interest first and those that message first (if you're using a traditional dating site) undateable, isn't it highly likely the person you messaged feels the same way? Here's the truth: if you're the one always initiating contact, it's because you have to. It's because you're not getting contacted first. It's because you're not being selected as a match by the people you think you want. People who claim that always messaging first works for them are either an exception to the rule or lying.

Which would you rather do: contact someone on your viewed/swiped yes list, chat, and have a date OR engage in extended message exchanges with people that flake, ghost or disappear before you ever meet them? The latter is the norm for most people, btw. Seriously, which is a better use of your time and mental bandwidth?

In a nutshell: swipe, like, view, favorite to your hearts content, but only initiate conversation if they've somehow returned the interest. Get your profile in front of as many eye-balls as possible by filling in all the basic details fields and logging in regularly. Do whatever you have to do to let them know you noticed them without messaging them, and then let that person do the rest.

Boom. Change my mind.

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